Do This One Thing

“I Told You So” is Political Suicide

There are five-alarm-fires everywhere in the United States. Our country is in the middle of a coup, and it’s hard to know what actions to take, other than protesting and communicating with our representatives, given that systems are breaking down. But as a student of relationships, I feel strongly that this one thing could be the most important. We need to welcome Trump supporters feeling “buyers remorse” into the resistance movement. Strategically, it’s the only possible way out of the crisis.

This morning, a woman posted on Facebook that a friend who voted for Trump came to her in tears because her husband lost his federal job. The poster said she had no sympathy for her friend, that it was karma, that this friend should have known what she was voting for. I immediately looked at the comments, and most responders agreed. Screw the friend.

This is a grave mistake.

Strategy, Not Forgiveness

With our democracy on the line, we must act strategically. Do we feel abandoned by our Trump-supporting friends and family? Of course. Did they dehumanize us by supporting someone promising to obliterate our basic rights? For sure. Do we have the moral highground to cut them off and wish them their own private versions of hell from this moment on? Undoubtedly.

But all of this is counterproductive to our end goal: to reclaim our country.

If anyone can stop the train, it’s Republican legislators, who, I believe, are terrified right now. They will certainly not go against the current administration if they don’t hear from their constituents. If there’s a big enough movement, and it’s clear that their political careers will be over if they don’t act, there’s a chance.

Trump supporters with buyers’ remorse are going to be socially homeless when they figure out they’ve been duped. If we fold them into our movement, not only will this benefit the resistance and our chance for saving the country, but I also think that in the long run, our relationships with them might evolve. If there’s no place to go with that new understanding, they could easily double down on their previous position.

I’m not asking you to forgive them. I’m asking you to be strategic in your choices to help change the national dynamic, something that literally will take all of us.

I try to remember that most of these people were manipulated. They watch different news sources and were receiving different information, much of it false. They are victims, in a way. They will not ultimately benefit from what’s to come, unless they’re billionaires. Those are the only enemy. More than anything, this is a class war, and that’s something the majority of Americans relate to. Dividing us in the first place is what made all of this possible.

Growth in Relationship

My Substack is about relationships, so I want to ask you to think about how relationships unfold when we make mistakes. Humans learn and grow primarily through direct experience. The kid in each of us hates being told what to believe, think, or do. When we live a moment where we realize our own mistakes, it’s visceral. The truth penetrates to our bones. It is massively humbling. We often feel regret, sorrow, even shame. If we can go to the person who was on the other end of that mistake, the relationship might heal. Sometimes the damage is too great, but ideally, since none of us is perfect, there’s some space for screwing up and making amends.

I grew up with just one sister, and when I gave up one of my twins for adoption 15 years ago, she stopped talking to me. It was incredibly painful. But every year, I sent her a holiday card, letting her know I’d love to see her or hear from her. Last fall, she finally reached out. I have no idea why. We’ve been in touch since September, and we’ve truly reconnected on a heart-to-heart level. We’ve even worked through a few small conflicts.

I’ve wanted to talk about her choice to cut contact. I need to talk about it, because it devastated me. My sense, though, was that my sister needed to feel on firmer footing with me before “going there.” She’s hinted at feeling badly about the past and her choices. So instead of raising that issue with her, I talked with my partner. I talked with my best friend. I vented to them. I journaled. I processed my feelings, but not with my sister. My job was to do my part to create a new foundation for the relationship.

I have no doubt that when we eventually have that conversation, it will go far better than if I had launched into it immediately. My own perspective will be different, too: softer, fuzzier, more nuanced, more loving, since I’m now situated closer to her humanity, her limits, her complexities as a person.

Every cell in my body knows our situation in this moment is tenuous. We are at the beginning of an autocratic coup. The resistance is building, and it feels early enough that we might actually be able to save ourselves. The only effective strategy is to get as many people on board with the resistance as possible: in particular, Republicans who backed the current president. They have seen what happens when they go against Trump, and it’s only going to get worse. If a mass movement is going to stop this thing, it has to gather speed fast, which means folding in and embracing the people we’re angry at.

It’s not fun, y’all. We have to swallow a lot for this. But I truly believe there’s no other way.

What to Offer Them

A woman named Ellen Marks posted this on her Facebook page (thank you, Ellen, for permission to repost!). I think it’s important; the second part is a letter that your Trump-supporting friends can use as a template to reach out to their elected representatives.

“I’m starting to see stories about people who voted for Trump and gleefully celebrated his return, who are now losing their jobs, can’t afford to pay their bills, and are scared by what is happening to their country. Let’s be clear: we need every single one of them to defend our democracy before it is too late.

If there are deeply upset MAGAs out there, offer them tea and genuine sympathy and send them to the phone lines to call their representatives and to send their MAGA friends to the phone lines, and print out a stack of Heather Cox Richardson and Joyce White Vance’s commentary from the last two weeks and hand them a highlighter when they need it.

Here’s a script they can use if they need one, from a friend who is, in fact, a registered Republican:

‘Dear ---:

As a longtime ---- resident and registered Republican, I'm writing to express my shock and outrage that a private citizen who has a multitude of conflicting financial interests before the government and appears to have complete autonomy and no federal oversight is now shuttering USAid as well as threatening to dismantle other government agencies and institutions, all simply because he has the ear of the president. Musk and his personal allies stand to gain significantly from his position, which also threatens the careful checks and balances of US power. Effectively, the president and Musk appear to have bypassed Congress and rendered you, and your office, powerless. Why did I vote for you if you can't reign in or even oversee government overreach? Why would I ever vote for you again if you can't stand up to what amounts to a clear attempt by this private individual, and the president, to remake American democracy to benefit a few powerful people? The US government is meant to work for us all, and the system of checks and balances must be preserved in order to prevent exactly this situation. If the GOP and Congress can't uphold the constitution and any ideas of American democracy--let alone any shred of that "meritocracy" this president is so fond of referencing--I have no interest in voting for or supporting your party or you again.’”

Please consider the broader strategy when making decisions about the Trump voters in your life. “I told you so” ultimately works against all of us. I’m seeing signs of both individuals and groups walking back support as the president makes mistakes left and right. Vent to your progressive friends. Vent to me! Take walks and find ways to care for yourself and your righteous anger. If we can find ways to put our need for resolution on hold, we will have a far better chance of saving the country.